Wednesday, January 21, 2009

High velocity air blowing through narrow gap handy dryer -omac

I went to a swanky bar for a drink with my fellow stuffed toy friend friend. We moaned about our lack of control over our lives, inevitably, the conversation eventually became a tad depressing. Oh, but then a trip to the toilet and things became interesting...

They had a hand dryer. They had a British model. It was one of those Dyson AIRBLADE things. Oh I'm sure they have them everywhere in London toilets, probably even on the walls in bars, in post offices.... but I've never seen one of these. I thought my paws were going to be sliced off.

So yes, apparently the "Dyson Airblade™ blows a high velocity blade of clean air through an aperture the width of an eyelash to wipe hands hygienically dry in just 10 seconds" according to the website.

I was pondering about how they came up with that name, Airblade ™. It's sounds quite fierce.
"So ya, what we gonna call this baby?"
"High velocity handomatic? Cold air dryer?"
"NO NO NO! We need something fierce, something slick and classy. Now how small is the space that the air blows through?"
"Uh oh oh, the width of an eyelash!"
"Exactly! The width of an eyelash or.....the width of a blade of about it, it's blowing AIR through a gap that is the width of a BLADE of grass....."
"Oh right so maybe Air Grass...."
"No you cretin! It's strong, a stream of AIR like the BLADE of a sword..."
"Oh oh! Air Sword!"
"No! That will scare people. We shall name it...AIRBLADE TM!"

*Everyone cheers, he cracks open a bottle of champagne, drinks from the bottle and kisses his PA. All the staff members climb onto the table, "Everybody Dance now" by C+C music factory mysteriously starts playing. The minute taker gives up as people are stepping all over his notepad that he was just doodling on anyway and he joins the fray. The PA slinks off to the toilet to cry and be sick.*

Everybody Dance Now
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Thursday, January 15, 2009


I refused to watch it at first, but have now been drawn in. Sigh. Anyway I am now on the third series. It seems original characters are effectively ‘levelling up’ by developing new super powers. Characters with previously lame or no powers seem to be able to shoot Hadouken style bolts, freeze people to death. There are a plethora of new characters with sketchy powers. Even Dr Suresh is getting in on the action. However, poor Dr Suresh who definitely drew the short straw dialogue wise and is arguably the dullest character, has only managed to turn himself into some grotesque being. Sigh…. The Heroes are all very immense and, yet again, the whole series is about stopping the destruction of The World, however most of the action takes place in New York. There are a lot of intricate plot details than blur past your brain and wreck havoc on your central nervous system. My paws are gripping the chair with a mixture of excitement and bewilderment. This is always the case when ANYTHING fictional brings in the space time continuum. Heroes is distinctly American and so during one of my quiet days, I set about pondering what heroes would be created if Heroes was ever re-made in the UK. Obviously they would be less glamorous and have more than a hint of bathos. Here is a cut out and keep list.

Vegan Rooster Boy:
Friendly animal activist who discovered whilst at university that he has
the ability to converse with caged chickens. Originally thinking he
would use his power to improve the livelihood of battery chickens,
Rooster boy has now become disillusioned as hens struggle with
understanding even the most basic concepts of Marxism and just pester
him with inane questions about 'the outside world'.

Telephone girl:
She has a really nice telephone manner. That's her power.

Inspector Rock paper scissor:
A police detective who has the ability to read minds, but only whilst playing the popular hand game, 'rock paper scissor'. Thus he has to coax all suspects that he is investigating into playing the seemingly harmless game whilst questioning them. His powers are limited to the UK and Ireland.

Postal strike super woman:
Ex royal mail worker who has the ability to fly whilst wearing her old royal mail uniform. When there's a postal strike, she decides to fly about the UK and single handedly deliver the mail. However, the task always proves impossible and she ends up going on strike herself.

Office girl:
Has the power to look busy at work, when there's actually nothing to do. She can also deflect terrorist missiles with her face.

Social ineptitude boy:
Has a rather dubious power of being socially inept and awkward in key situations, causing many to situations to escalate to 'curb your enthusiasm' levels of which Larry David would be proud. He has begun to write a situational comedy based on his experiences. After re-assessing his ability with Dr Suresh it is suspected that this may not actually be a special power, but in fact social interaction disorder.

Save the chickens, save......Hull.

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Kitten and the Torrent(s)

As a stuffed toy, I sometime find life rather dull, because it's difficult to live a life not based at all on Free Will. I often spend many hours in a Chinese apartment. Anyway, as a way to remedy this I began downloading TV programme popular with the youth of today. I one day stumbled up this little gem. It's symbolises many of the key things that are wrong in the world of Human beings. It's America's Next Top Model, with Tyra Banks. The basic format of the show is a reality TV show. There are 12 girls who hope to one day be top models. They do crazy photo shoots, get extreme makeovers (one of the girls always looks terrible and cries), get hung off the side of buildings, made to pose underwater in a dirty fish tank, broken down, get taught how to smile with their eyes etc. One is eliminated each week. It's hosted by Tyra Banks.

The first photo shoot is always 'hardcore'. They get them to model abstract concepts that I imagine are very difficult to convey in a photoshoot, like Abortion or Humanitarian Aid. In this series they had to portray cancer victims....
...I'm sorry....what?! The photo shoot was to show the effects of smoking, oh right, that's not disturbing or sick or very wrong. They were their made up to look like they'd had chemotherapy. Umm...?!!!! Most of the girls in this cycle smoked anyway, so stood around at the photo shoots painted white, wearing bald caps with bits of fluffy hair stuck to it, smoking a cigarette. I swore quite a bit at the TV.

Then a few episodes later, it was the makeover episode and Tyra decided to shave a girl's head. Just shaved it off because her hair was f*cked. Tyra said so, then she smiled.

The girl was close to breaking point.

The girls get their personalities picked apart. If they're not smiling, happy and commercial they're pulled apart by the judging panel (mere scrapings of humanity, devoid of any sense of moral being) until they cry and show 'they are human' then they get eliminated the next week for being over emotional.

It's horrible.

I totally want to see Roland Rat taking Tyra's spot in the next series.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Bourne Existentialist

So a fourth Bourne film is in the making. Currently the Trilogy has grossed $945 million and is noted for its realism.



I watched part of the first film one night. Granted I missed the first 20 minutes or so. I started watching it from when he's aware he has no memory of ANYTHING, EVER, yet he's sat in a cafe and he knows that the guy at the counter weighs roughly 215lbs and 'knows how to handle himself'; the licence plates of the 3 cars outside; that the waitress is left handed; that the exit is approximately 7 sprint steps away to his left; the best place to find a gun would be in the grey truck parked outside and that he could run for up to half a mile at the high altitude before collapsing.

He's practically a super hero, but...BUT he still doesn't know who he is. He's being tracked by CIA who now want to kill him and blah, people crashing through windows, hand to hand combat (vicious behaviour with a ball point pen, eugh!), high speed car chase in a mini, kicking doors open instead of just using the handle, using guns to open tins of dog food and whatnot. Meh. Just unnecessarily, overcomplicated and explosive.

You just sit there on sensory overload, unable to think about anything apart from what’s happening in front of your eyes. I found it hard to just switch off and just watch the film. There's far too much vying for your attention. Is it just me that gets like that with these kind of films? Maybe I just have a lowthreshold. I do like action films, but only when the plot is non-existent.

I like to switch off with a Jackie Chan or Tony Jaa film, because the plot is so thin on the ground, it's ok that there are a million people leaping about doing great things. With a lot of these Hollywood action films, they put the actors in such impossibly unbelievable situations so they have to be incredibly talented to act them out convincingly and most of the time.....they're not, they just happen to look nice on screen. I ended up spending the rest of the film ignoring the supposed story line because I was being distracted by the fact that a CIA agent was played by the repressed homosexual marine corp in American Beauty and that fact that it was set in Paris, and I want to go to Paris again.

I stopped watching after a while, because ….I was umm bored despite the ridiculous plot and action on the screen. I think it would have been more fun if it focused more on his memory loss. A film just about him grappling with the concept of life, the world, people, consciousness etc, an existentialist adventurer. The Bourne Existentialist, seeing as he'd had his memory completely wiped, a complete blank slate....

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